J. F. Shumate

#1 Never Wash Your Levi’s

First of all, have 2 pairs. One for sort of dressy times, you know, when you put on a clean shirt, perhaps with a collar? If you wash this pair, they will fade, soon putting you in the market for a new pair and then you will have 2 pairs of working Levi’s. You don’t need 2 pairs of working Levi’s.

Levi’s shrink in the waist. And the longer you own that favorite pair, the more they seem to shrink. Of course, that might not be Levi’s fault.

Now, the working pair. Wash them when the dirt and grime are thick enough that they stand up on their own in the closet. Depending upon your wife, she may seek out this pair by scent, so hide them well.

Like in the garage.

#2 Never Run at Home

Just stop. Walk everywhere. Why run in or around the house, or even walk fast? Slow down.

This way when you have scissors in hand, you will never fall on them. Or a knife. Or window glass, jars, or any tools. Period.

Walk. Enjoy.

#3 Never Use a Ladder

If God meant for you to change ceiling lights or air filters, you would be 7 feet tall.

500,000 people a year fall off ladders, 97% at home. Workplace falls produce 130,000 ER visits and 160 deaths annually. Its so frequent, there is even an ICD 10 diagnostic code for “home fall from ladder!”

My dad fell from a ladder in his garage right after he retired. The injury left permanent damage to one ankle and drove his golf handicap up at least 2 shots.

After age 70, NEVER EVER use a ladder. Get someone else to use the ladder. Your old for Pete’s sake. Ladders for 70 year-olds means a trip to the ER. If your wife spots you, both of you will be in the ER.

At least it’s a trip out of the house.

#4 Never Cave Dive

If God wanted us to live underwater, we would have fins and gills.

If you really must go underwater, always have a diving buddy. Spend a lot of time learning SCUBA from a good instructor. Practice how to survive a major problem.

Remember your mom saying “If your buddy dove off a pier would you?” Same goes for cave diving. If your SCUBA buddy wants to cave dive, get a new buddy.

Don’t cave dive. Or walk in them for that matter.

#5 Never Compare Yourself to Others

Your buddy just got a new BMW. Well, good for him. Your trusty Subaru does the same function, that is, getting you from point A to point B.

Want to be unhappy? Then be jealous of your BMW-owning buddy. Envy everyone who owns something you don’t, who has a prettier wife and is the more handsome husband (the one who may beat the pretty wife.)

Comparison is the single biggest source of unhappiness in life. Set your own course, one that fits with your values and beliefs. Place value where it belongs, in your relationships, with people and your deity. Hang out with people who aren’t caught up in consumerism.

Work a job doing something you enjoy for the sole reason that you make enough to live on and are happy doing the job. Don’t work a job simply because you can make a lot of money. Do work that doesn’t require taking drugs to get through life.

Just as in the Old West, there is always a faster gun. Always someone making more money. And always someone going into hock for a more expensive car, house, or stuff.

Let them. You are happy.

Happiness does not have a price tag.