J. F. Shumate

Relationships Are Difficult Even for Hand Towels

Tommy: Oh rats, again he throws me on the rack. Why can’t he just fold me?

Tina: Why are you complaining? At least he uses you! She NEVER even touches me, not ever. Always, it’s always her bath towel, that big fluffy prima donna bath towel.

Tommy: Would you stop already?

Tina: Here I hang, clean. perfectly straight, and I think I am still soft.

Tommy: Tina, you are as white and fluffy as the day you were made. Count yourself lucky you don’t get used the way I do.  He uses me to dry his hair, his hands and then his face. Disgusting.

Tina: She isn’t like that. Very proper in her cleaning habit.  I just want to feel her touch.

Harry and Harriet

Tommy:  Look at Harriet. I hear her owner wipes her cherry red lipstick on her. And you know that’s a towel’s biggest torture.

Tina: And just when did you talk to that fluff Harriet? I know how you gazed at her all day on the shelf at Target. Just lusting for her touch.

Tommy: I was on the top of our package, and she was on the bottom of hers; I couldn’t help but see her.

Tina: That’s what you always say. So how did you hear about her owner?

Tommy: It was Harry, her rack mate. He was bragging about how well hung he is when we were going into the drying cycle at the laundromat. He said she might be finished if that lipstick stain doesn’t come out. Oh, and the dryer runs so hot!! It’s taking all the fluff out of me.

Tina: That’s true, you are looking a little thinner.

Tommy: At the rate I am getting washed, I will be a garage rag before my time. Why can’t they just alternate us? I would love to just hang around the rack all day like you do.

Tina: Oh, you would? I never get any action. What challenge is there left for me? That super fluffy bath towel gets all the action.

Tommy: Can’t we just enjoy our time together without all the complaining? Wait, look at me. Does that look like a stain? He never uses enough soap. Not only am I getting thinner, but he’s not getting any cleaner.

Lipstick and Lies

Tina: Oh NO!

Tommy: What is it, Tina?

Tina: She’s reaching for me NOW!

Tommy: That’s great!

Tina: No, it’s NOT!!!! LIPSTICK! She’s going to wipe off her lipstick on me. I will be ruined!

Tommy: You are like new Tina. That slick stuff they coated you with at the factory may help keep the lipstick from staining….

Tina: Oh My GOD!  It’s that Revlon Cherry Red. I am sure it will never come off!  What a tart she is! She never wears that around the man, does she?

Tommy: Come to think of it, she doesn’t. You don’t suppose she is stepping out on him?

Tina: She won’t want him to see the smear it left on me. Oh no, Tommy, she’s opened the trash door. Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!

Tommy: I will be with you soon Tina. She will need to open a new package, so her husband doesn’t see the stain.  I was so hoping I would go to the garage.

Tina? It’s so dark in here. Wait, I can feel your softness beneath me. Oh, my fluffy, we are still together.

Tina: Tommy, you’re so rough feeling. Wait, something tickles. Hey, is that your tag? Tommy? Tommy? Oh Tommy……