J. F. Shumate

Technology Vs Old Florida

Before I launch into the story, a little bit about Old Florida.

1. Old Florida is the ancestral home of Florida Crackers, descendants of the Scots Irish who settled here in the 1800s. They had Cracker Horses and Cracker Cattle. Florida Crackers are proud of their heritage.
2. Old Florida would still belong to the Crackers were it not for Willis Carrier, inventor of air conditioning.
3. The pond you are walk your dog around might just have a ginormous, hungry Alligator. To the gator, your sweet little Bichon Frise looks like tapas on a leash.

Driving Through Old Florida

We love driving through Old Florida. Last summer we drove from Tampa Bay to St. Augustine through Old Florida on country roads. We passed Cross Creek where in 1938 Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings wrote “The Yearling.” Anyone who could write living in central Florida without air conditioning is amazing. I have enough trouble putting two sentences together in air conditioning.

Just east of Palatka, Google’s Map Lady told us to turn northeast. After crossing the St. John’s River, it’s about 30 miles to St. Augustine.

However, off in the distance, we could see a huge thunderstorm over St. Augustine. It proved to be the mother of all thunderstorms. A thunderstorm its size may drop several inches of blinding rain, pack equally ferocious winds, clouds that block the sun, and then there’s the lightning.

My wife, Anne, said what we were both thinking, “Where can we turn out?” There was no obvious place to turn out.

Thunderstorm

Minutes later it hit. A freight train of wind, rain, and darkness.

That’s when Map Lady went bananas. Her GPS connection gone she started freelancing directions.

“Turn right on Cracker Swamp Road.” Was it a shortcut to bypass the storm?

True to its name, Cracker Swamp Road runs through the Cracker Swamp. Fortunately, the road was crowned. Rainwater was quickly accumulating on the shoulders. The trees lining the road formed a dark tunnel and started shedding branches. We slowly drove straight down the center line hoping nobody would be coming the other way.

It was now dark as midnight as we crawled forward. Even in our Volvo, a 3-Way turn was out of the question.

The mood was getting a bit tense.

Running on Empty

Anne has a dread fear of running out of gas stemming from running out on a back road in New England in the rain. Imagine not having a cell phone? Trying the closest house, they refused to let her in. They still fear witches. Obviously, a pretty, petite blonde 20-year-old is either a disguised witch or serial axe murder.

From her angle, the gas gauge was pointing to E.

Somehow, we emerged into an Old Florida neighborhood. The ramshackle housing and beat-up pick-up trucks did not ease her fears. I am not sure what kind of HOA they have but things were obviously out of control.

We had a very brief discussion about asking a resident for directions (“Are you crazy? I am not going to knock on their doors.”) I swear I saw Vincent Price peering out a window.

If you watched the movie, “Deliverance” or listened to its theme music, “Dueling Banjos” you may understand how she is feeling. It’s dark, storming, and she thinks we are running out of gas. Fairly sure she is thinking at any moment a horde of zombies will overrun us.

Not being obtuse, I sensed her confidence in me eroding.

Nothing to Fear

I started using my Chuck Yeager voice, the one that all airline pilots emulate. “Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed a few dark clouds, a bit of lightning, and our up and down motion. There is no cause for alarm. Please remain seated. We will be landing in Little Rock instead of Tulsa.”

“So, where’s the paper map, the kind you can never quite fold right?” Even Chuck Yeager himself would not have calmed her fears.

As a last resort, I turned Map Lady off and started heading back towards the main road. Several tense minutes later, the storm started slowing. Approaching the main road, the Sun peeked under the clouds in the west like a Hollywood ending.

I wanted to get out of the car and yell.

St. Augustine

When we finally got to the hotel in St. Augustine, they told us this storm was far worse than their last hurricane. We skipped going directly to the room, opting for the bar instead.

Our Cracker Swamp technology apocalypse has cured us. We are no longer dependent upon technology. We use Map Lady as part of trip planning but always have a paper map handy. When you go travelling to a new state, stop at the first official welcome center. There are real people who can help you plan your route, give you travel tips, and provide you with a free map.

Enjoy your travels!