J. F. Shumate

Last-Minute Changes Likely to Disturb the Presumptive Presidential Candidates’ Nap Schedules

CNN, broadcasting the first Presumptive Presidential Candidate Debate in history, announces important changes. CNN believes these changes will improve the quality of the debate and is looking forward to a record-breaking audience.

First Major Change

Media influencers, generally Gen-Z’s, pushed for cognitive testing of both candidates. Lacking a comprehensive, medically approved cognitive test, CNN has compromised. The “Candidate Cognitive Challenge” will consist of each candidate being given a stick of gum. They must then walk and chew at the same time. The cognitive challenge will be sponsored by Polident.

Second Major Change

The second major change is having Walter Cronkite manage the debate. Cronkite’s relatives agreed to let Disney create a hologram of him, thus eliminating any potential left-wing bias as claimed by the Trump campaign.

Additionally, Disney has created holograms of Pinocchio closely resembling each candidate. The images will be shown on a split screen while each candidate speaks. Disney programmed the holographic Pinocchio to recognize “falsehoods.”  The candidate whose hologram has the shortest nose at the end of the debate will be given lifetime passes to all Disney properties worldwide.

Disney is in talks with The Comedy Channel on a follow-up debate between the candidates’ Pinocchio holographic images.

Third Major Change

The final important change is the ban on using gestures when the candidate’s microphones are muted. Specifically banned are thumbing the nose, making the choking movement, the gagging movement, flipping the bird, and giving the raspberries. Should a candidate do any of these during muting, their on-screen image will be blurred.

Sponsor Update

Major sponsor “Depends” will be introducing a new product. Called “Old Fart,” its design resembles a WW1 gas mask called the “Gas Bag.” Both candidates are vying to have their image on the package in return for Depends covering their family legal fees.

Please tune in early as CNN is unsure of how long the candidates will be awake.