J. F. Shumate

A John McClane Type Man Like You Is Always Ready For Action

Your day is too important to waste it doing laundry

John McClane hates doing laundry. You and I hate doing laundry. See the similarity between the three of us?

Laundry is a time-wasting, mind-numbing experience. Men are most alive when facing down certain death, saving the planet, or rescuing women like John McClane does. And you and I.

My life is filled from the time I wake up with things I want to do, things I must do, and things I won’t get to do. The things I hate to do most are time wasters such as laundry. Over the years, I have worked to minimize laundry. Because you took the time to read this article, I will tell you what I have learned and hopefully save you time for saving the world

Welcome to “Laundry for Men 101. “

Minimizing time wasted on laundry starts with what clothes you own. When buying clothes, I always think “Will this get along in the washer with others? Does it require ironing?” Then, I decide if the style and color are good.

When most people shop, they consider style and color first and rarely about care. I know people who buy clothes that require dry cleaning. At least dry cleaning removes it from requiring a special load.

Laundry Day

Laundry is done every other Saturday. You need to own at least 14 pairs of undershorts. If you don’t, then stop reading now. Go online and buy more. Buy an extra set or two just in case. With your hectic schedule, you might go 3 weeks between laundry dates.

Find sports programs you recorded but haven’t watched. You may prefer watching reruns of Two and A Half Men, Married With Children, car reviews, or other shows your roommate hates. This is your time. Your time is too special to waste.

If you prefer, do your laundry on Thursday nights and other household chores, so your weekend is free to enjoy. It’s your life, go for it.

Laundry Efficiency

Your roommate has their way of doing laundry. Every piece of clothing has a cleaning rules tag. They read the tags and follow the rules. This is why they sort clothes into 15 little piles. Then they spend all day doing laundry.

The key to laundry day efficiency is sorting the dirties according to drying, not washing. Dirty includes things that look clean but have residual manly odors. The smell may seem great to you, but others in your life may not think so. If you don’t have a roommate, this may be why.

Sort by general colors and what the things feel like. Do not pay attention to the silly tags or you will be at this all day. White cotton things go in one pile, colored cotton in another, and those synthetic things, like dressy stuff your roommate bought you, in a third. Your sheets will be the fourth.
Note on doing sheets. If you have an active sex life (you bragger,) your sheets may need cleaning more often. Have at least a second set.
If your wardrobe is 100% dark, sort cotton colors by texture with the towels in one pile and other stuff in the second.

Selecting The Cycle

Most people over wash their clothes. Washing after one wearing, washing on hot, and washing on long cycles beats the life out of clothes. Beating the life out of clothes means wasting time buying replacements.

The exception is if you are digging in the dirt all day, mowing lawns, or doing other manly “Bubba” work. Even if you are a lady, it is still manly work.

Use the Quick Wash cycle. Set it for about 25 minutes on eco-warm. That’s it. Don’t use the hot cycle, cold cycle, or delicate cycle. Those cycles are there for your obsessive roommate who thinks laundry requires an engineering degree.
I don’t own anything requiring a delicate setting. If you do, that’s your thing. Maybe your roommate has a few as well. If so, sneak yours in with theirs.

Why Use Detergent?

Here is your Bill Nye the Science Guy moment.

Detergent increases the wettability of the water by breaking the surface tension, so it absorbs more dirt. The Oxy whitener is stabilized hydrogen peroxide and takes cleaning to another level without destroying fabrics. Always add a dollop of Oxy whitener. Chlorine bleach is history. Bleach is messy, requires extra rinsing, wears out fabrics, and leaves a smell.

Thanks to environmentalists, today’s washers don’t use enough water. It is easy to build up residual soap in your fabric. Use the bare minimum. Whatever amount you just put in was too much. And don’t use the cap to measure, it’s what the detergent company wants, not what your load needs.

Your roommate may obsess over the soap build-up. Mine purchased some special cleaning stuff, then ran empty loads to remove the soap residue thus defeating the environmentalist’s intention. She also likes using energy-gobbling hot water.

Your four loads, including loading and unloading, should take about two hours or about the length of an EPL soccer match. If it’s a college football Saturday, you can do an extra load of those spare sheets.

Results

Finally, keep these tips to yourself. You read this entire article. If someone you know is wasting time on laundry, send them the link. Your time is too important to spend explaining it. You are now ready to save time and save the world.

P.S. Dishwasher Warning

If you are in a relationship, and they insist on doing the dishes, let them. Of course, they are doing it wrong, but it makes them feel good. Leave the room. Let them go on with their fantasy. This action alone prevents having a frowny face night. Frowny faces may result in you spending time in the penalty box of love.